Faith Over Fear

Sitting in the silence of my empty house after the holidays, I grabbed my copy of Sacred Space this morning and read the daily gospel reading. The reading from Luke 2 recounts a story in which Mary and Joseph live through every parent's nightmare. Losing their child for literally days -- at least 4! I think about the fear that surely gripped them. Many parents have had the experience of losing their child in a store or a park or someplace 'out there' -- when your kid is supposed to be 'right here' with you. I know I have. Once I came home from an evening out, having left our kids home with a babysitter. Upon checking, I realized my oldest was not in her bed. I checked the other kids rooms. She wasn't there. I checked the usual spots. Not there. Panic began to fill our house as we, along with the sitter and his parents, began franticly looking for our child. We looked all over the house, the front yard, the back yard, and even the back lot behind our backyard. Fear absolutely gripped our hearts. I began to get angry because of the fear. I became out-of-my-mind fearful. And then, she was found sleeping under the buffet in our dining room. She had snuck down after bedtime to watch TV near the sitter, and while she waited for us to get home, she had fallen asleep. The craziest thing happened, which usually happened when one of my kids got out of my sight in a store -- my first response was anger. "Where have you been? Why would you leave me? What are you doing scaring me that way!!!" I realize how human that response is, as Mary did the same thing. "Son, why did you treat us this way? Why have you done this to us? We have been looking for you with great anxiety." While that response seems minor in comparison to my rants when I am panicked, I felt Mary's anxiety this morning. How fearful she must have been. It would be like losing your kid in New York City with all the activity and endless possibilities of where he could be! And I was reminded of the other instances that Mary must have gone through with great fear ... finding herself a teenage unwed mother (Geez! SCARY!); having to flee and seek asylum in another country because of fear that her child would be killed (can't even imagine this one -- but many of those coming across our borders most certainly can relate); losing her 12 year old for days in a big, bustling city; and later watching him be misunderstood, beaten, tortured and led to his death. Mary must have been a women of incredible strength. We look at Mary with docile eyes these days, thinking of her as a demure, obedient servant. But she was every bit as human as I am. And she truly faced terrifying situations. I wonder how she handled those times?

I began to list in my journal all the circumstances that I now find myself in. The situations that bring me "great anxiety," angst, and fear. There were quite a few (Ummm. 2 pages worth!). But God reminded me of the verse that he gave me several months ago:

"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right by my side."

Psalm 16:8 (NLT)

So I decided to fight the fire of fear with the only weapon I knew to use: the quenching truth of scripture. I took a different colored pen and after each item on my fear list I wrote the truth I found in scripture:

"He is right by my side."

To each of my fears (12 in fact), I fell back on the truth - He is with me. I am not alone. He is right by my side. Reminds me of the old hymn we used to sing in the Baptist church I grew up in:

"Because he lives, I can face tomorrow.

Because he lives, all fear is gone.

Because I know he holds the future,

Life is worth the living just because he lives."

I am still living in the list of 12 circumstances that bring me fear. Those things aren't going to magically disappear even though I have faith. What is faith in the middle of fear? For me, it is knowing that I am truly not alone, that he is indeed by my side wherever I go (Psalm 16-8; Psalm 138:7-12). Faith is knowing that he is still working on me, creating me to be something that I am not yet, but someday will be (Phil. 1:6). Faith is knowing that no matter what, he will never leave me (Gen. 28:15).

What are your fears today? Try writing them down, making a list. It doesn't matter how few or how many. And leave some room after each one. Go back with a different colored pen and write out the truth that you know is true for you -- or borrow mine if you don't have one. "God is right by my side."

What I know to be true: God is right by my side, no matter what circumstance I'm in, no matter what desolate place, no matter if I'm right or wrong ... God is right by my side. Now, that makes me feel an inkling of joy shining in the darkness.